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<\/p>\nJAMES Whale and his wife Nadine Lamont-Brown are discussing the etiquette of funerals. It\u2019s a subject they can\u2019t easily ignore. The terminally ill broadcaster and Daily Express columnist has \u201csix, maybe eight months\u201d left before the cancer he has been fighting for three years claims his life. Having ended treatment, the veteran radio star is now planning for what happens next \u2013 but that doesn\u2019t mean he can\u2019t have fun.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re not supposed to invite people to funerals, are you?\u201d he says to Nadine, sitting next to him on a sofa at his Kent home, their three dogs Daisy, Lulu and Muttley curled up nearby. She shakes her head: \u201cNo, you don\u2019t invite them.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen we\u2019ll change that,\u201d he declares in typically bombastic fashion.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ll have amazing, gold, terribly over-the-top invitations.\u201d<\/p>\n
Nadine digests this news briefly. \u201cOh-kay,\u201d she says in her soft voice, her sparkling blue eyes searching his face.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, you can design those. You can be the first person who sends out invites to their funeral \u2013 date to be confirmed!\u201d<\/p>\n
This dry wit, some might call it gallows humour, peppers their conversation on this bright autumnal afternoon.<\/p>\n
It is in part, they admit, a coping mechanism for their heartbreaking situation.<\/p>\n
When the Express last met the couple in the spring, James admitted that, without his wife, he would have considered a trip to Dignitas in Switzerland. Today he bravely concedes this will be his \u201clast Christmas\u201d.<\/p>\n
While he beat kidney cancer 25 years ago, the disease returned in 2020 and ravaged his brain, lungs and spine with tumours.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ll cry and get fed up and miserable and everything else, but you can\u2019t spend the time you have left like that, can you?\u201d James, 72, muses.<\/p>\n
His wife, 58, a tax adviser with luminous silver hair, smiles. \u201cNo, better to have a glass of wine.\u201d<\/p>\n
Tragically, this is not their first merry-go-round on the cancer circuit.<\/p>\n
Melinda, James\u2019s wife of 48 years, and Simon, Nadine\u2019s late husband, both died of lung cancer. Indeed, they shared the same hospital consultant.<\/p>\n
James and Nadine met by chance four years ago at a bucolic pub in the Kent village where they live.<\/p>\n
They\u2019re polar opposites \u2013 she\u2019s far more liberal than he is \u2013 but they could pass for childhood sweethearts so devoted are they to one another. Indeed, there is much more to this strident-sounding broadcaster than initially meets the eye \u2013 or ear!<\/p>\n
He is well liked locally, I\u2019m told by an employee of that same pub who drops me off at the broadcaster\u2019s home after I get lost en route.<\/p>\n
Later, another friendly villager who drives James to his weekly show, confides: \u201cHe\u2019s not the same person on the radio.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019d agree wholeheartedly. In person, he is friendly, polite and warm, far from the brusque, finger-jabbing \u201cshock jock\u201d familiar to millions of listeners.<\/p>\n
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He\u2019s lost the bloated weight he gained while on steroids and is feeling better since stopping his treatment three months ago.<\/p>\n
The drugs extended his life but caused nausea, backache and debilitating headaches.<\/p>\n
He could barely walk to his front gate to collect his post. Friends feared the worst, but coming off them has revitalised him.<\/p>\n
That said, even now he has the odd day when he feels downright awful.<\/p>\n
\u201cYesterday, I would have been quite happy to die,\u201d he says plainly.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe is a bit of a drama queen,\u201d Nadine interjects. \u201cMe?\u201d he replies incredulously. \u201cWhy would you think that?\u201d<\/p>\n
James, currently on TalkRadio and TalkTV, plans to continue working for as long as possible and the couple have made a modest \u201cbucket list\u201d. Foreign holidays are no longer an option, due to the risks. And he can no longer get travel insurance.<\/p>\n
But they plan on holidaying in Cornwall and visiting James\u2019s two grown-up sons, James and Peter, as much as possible.<\/p>\n
They recently spent a lavish night at the Savoy \u2013 \u201cWe had afternoon tea followed by dinner,\u201d Nadine exclaims \u2013 and successfully bid on a seven-course tasting menu at a Michelin-starred London restaurant at a Macmillan cancer charity auction.<\/p>\n
And in between making memories, they are planning James\u2019s funerals\u2026<\/p>\n
Yes, that\u2019s right, he wants two so he can attend one himself.<\/p>\n
The idea was suggested by a local publican who James jokes is \u201cprobably thinking double bubble\u201d.<\/p>\n
Still, it hasn\u2019t taken too much persuasion for him to consider a \u201cliving funeral\u201d.<\/p>\n
He explains: \u201cThe fun part of the funeral is the wake afterwards, or what I like to call the \u2018after funeral party\u2019 \u2013 the showbizzy bit \u2013 where we\u2019d invite all our mates.<\/p>\n
But I won\u2019t be at the other one so I thought we\u2019ll have one before as well.\u201d<\/p>\n
Nadine, ever the voice of calm, intervenes: \u201cThere\u2019s always the danger that if everyone turns up to the first one, they won\u2019t show up to the second.<\/p>\n
Maybe you can do one for your mates \u2013 like a sort of stag do?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA funeral stag do?\u201d James says aloud. \u201cYeah, now that\u2019s a really good idea.\u201d A funeral stag do it is, then.<\/p>\n
As for the real event, the one where James won\u2019t be around to crack jokes and squeeze Nadine\u2019s hand, he insists he won\u2019t have a \u201chorrible old brown wooden coffin\u201d.<\/p>\n
The colour isn\u2019t confirmed, but they\u2019re considering having a whale painted on its side.<\/p>\n
Guests will wear black but the day will be one of celebration rather than mourning.<\/p>\n
After the church service, attendees will retreat to the pub to consume \u201ca lot of champagne\u201d and hear music by a live band.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe might get one of our friends who\u2019s a comic to do lots of bad taste, funny, jokes,\u201d James says.<\/p>\n
Who has he got in mind? His good friend, the comedian Bobby Davro.<\/p>\n
\u201cBobby\u2019s very funny \u2013 there\u2019ll be jokes about funerals and dying all the way through,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
Other celebrity friends will perform, and James plans to regale guests from beyond the grave with a \u201cSpike Milligan-like\u201d video message.<\/p>\n
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As for his final resting place, James has no plans to become \u201cjust a cup of ashes\u201d.<\/p>\n
He looks at Nadine again lovingly. \u201cAnd you don\u2019t like crematoriums,\u201d he says. \u201cNo, I prefer a nice burial,\u201d she replies.<\/p>\n
Despite not being religious, James plans to be buried in a hillside church graveyard overlooking green fields.<\/p>\n
\u201cI like that it\u2019s got a great view of the weald of Kent so I can rise out of the coffin occasionally and look at the view,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
\u201cGoing to do some haunting are you?\u201d Nadine jokes, to which he replies: \u201cI\u2019m thinking about it.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s a lot of people I\u2019d like to haunt\u2026 or at least just sit in their living rooms and see what they\u2019re really up to.\u201d<\/p>\n
It\u2019s been five decades since James pioneered late-night talk shows on the radio. \u201cI\u2019ve had an interesting life,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve been sacked a few times but I\u2019m proud that I\u2019ve worked from my 20s to my 70s, and I\u2019ve never had to claim the dole.\u201d<\/p>\n
Born in Ewell, Surrey, he struggled academically because of his dyslexia, which remained undiagnosed well into adulthood.<\/p>\n
He wanted to act but after he became a father, aged 18, with Melinda, he had to make big money fast.<\/p>\n
\u201cI found out I could earn more DJ-ing in one night than a whole week as a repertory actor,\u201d he recalls. \u201cThere\u2019s quite a lot of performing in what I do so that\u2019s fine.\u201d<\/p>\n
Is his \u201cshock jock\u201d image a persona then?<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe, I don\u2019t know,\u201d he says, somewhat perplexed. \u201cBut I have to focus myself on the stories and I don\u2019t talk about anything I don\u2019t have a point of view on.\u201d<\/p>\n
In fairness, he does seem to have an opinion about everything: cyclists, graffiti, people who drop litter.<\/p>\n
We are speaking two days after he tweeted the British Medical Association should be \u201cashamed\u201d for facilitating doctors\u2019 strikes.<\/p>\n
Last month, Nadine suffered a burst appendix on the same day industrial action was taking place.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe spent 12 hours in A&E before anyone looked at her,\u201d James says. \u201cTwelve hours!\u201d<\/p>\n
She had called 111 on the Sunday in question and waited four hours for a doctor to call back. By this point, she was in excruciating pain and could barely speak.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe doctor said, \u2018You need to go to hospital now. I would say call an ambulance but there is a four-hour wait at the moment \u2013 so can you find someone to take you?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
James couldn\u2019t drive so a friend rushed Nadine to hospital. Looking back now, she believes her appendix burst while she was on the phone.<\/p>\n
The pain subsided so she made little fuss on arrival \u2013 unlike other noisier patients \u2013 and was deemed a low-priority case even though her life was in morbid danger.<\/p>\n
She was finally examined after her friend protested and was promptly rushed into surgery.<\/p>\n
For James, stuck at home, himself severely unwell, the experience brought back distressing flashbacks of the day Melinda left home for the last time by ambulance, never to return.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe said, \u2018You can\u2019t go to the hospital, you can\u2019t go in an ambulance, you\u2019ll never come back again,\u2019\u201d Nadine remembers, wincing at the memory.<\/p>\n
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Thankfully she has made a full recovery, and James stresses his own NHS journey has been nothing short of fantastic.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe team who are looking after me at St Bart\u2019s hospital are doing an amazing job, they\u2019re brilliant,\u201d he says. \u201cI wouldn\u2019t be here if it wasn\u2019t for them, would I?\u201d<\/p>\n
Nadine nods in agreement.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut if you want to be a doctor and look after people, why would you put them through all this extra pain and suffering? I don\u2019t understand it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He\u2019s angry, he says, with highly paid consultants and the management responsible for hiring hundreds of diversity officers at great cost and leaching resources from the frontline.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve got cancer, I\u2019m not going to be around long, but I\u2019m in my 70s. What about a child aged five years old? What about a young mother with babies?\u201d<\/p>\n
He turns to Nadine. \u201cWe both know people who\u2019ve been in that situation haven\u2019t we? It\u2019s just appalling.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you don\u2019t think about your patients or you\u2019re more interested in your own money then you\u2019re not really in the right job, are you?\u201d<\/p>\n
He stops and apologises for going into \u201cwork mode\u201d acknowledging how easily he slides into it. But his anger is passionate and honestly held.<\/p>\n
And the couple, who have a podcast of their cancer journey, Tales Of The Whales, clearly bring comfort to many others.<\/p>\n
James will go to a hospice in Kent when the time is right. The care, he says, is first-rate and there\u2019s a pretty garden. Moreover, the couple\u2019s dogs will be allowed to come and visit, which is of huge importance to James.<\/p>\n
In May, he was honoured with a special recognition award for his long service in TV and radio. So what would he like to be remembered for? He thinks for a while.<\/p>\n
\u201cProbably as the person who showed this country that there was a need for night-time broadcasting,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was hit-and-miss before me. They realised there\u2019s a really good audience here, we should put something out at night instead of the test card.\u201d<\/p>\n
Nadine nods. \u201cIt gets a little boring after a while doesn\u2019t it?\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
Without missing a beat, he adds: \u201cYou told me you prefer the test card to what I do!\u201d<\/p>\n
Even if that\u2019s true, millions of people would disagree.<\/p>\n