DEAR DEIDRE: I’VE become obsessed with tracking every single woman my husband has cheated with.
It’s been devastating seeing all the different women, but I can’t help myself and spend hours tracking them down online.
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I genuinely thought we had a great relationship and sex life.
Now I am questioning everything — my judgment, our relationship, who he really is. I’m 38 and he’s 37. We’ve got two young daughters aged ten and eight.
He stupidly left a tab open on his tablet and when I picked it up to put it on the side, I got the shock of my life to see he’d logged on to a pick-up website.
The next day I went through the messages and felt ill as I saw for myself he’d been messaging multiple women for sex.
He had even rated them afterwards and, while I lay asleep beside him, was planning another hook-up. The real kicker was we’d just had really good sex!
For the past couple of days, while he’s at work, I go through his tablet and have started to track down these women.
They are all completely different, some are in their 50s, some in their 20s, he’s been with overweight women and skinny ones.
I’ve been tracking them down through their social media profiles and found that one is a really senior bank manager, another a farmer’s wife.
I’ve tracked down 14 women in total and I don’t know what I’m going to do with this information.
I suppose I’m trying to work out what all these women have that I don’t.
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My husband doesn’t realise that I’ve discovered his secret but he knows something is wrong as I won’t let him touch me.
I want to contact these women to hear from them what it was all about. I’m so hurt.
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DEIDRE SAYS: You won‘t find any answers by contacting these women – only details that will cause you more misery and pain.
The main facts you need to know are – why did your husband stray, and do you both want to rebuild your relationship?
Both questions can only be answered by your husband. Please talk to him about what you found and ask him to tell you what has caused his infidelity.
Once he confides in you, it’s your turn to decide whether you can forgive him and work on your marriage.
And he must genuinely commit to working hard to reassure you and gain your forgiveness.
You would both benefit from counselling, together or apart, from tavistockrelationships.org.
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